So, a few newsletters back, I told you about a great book called The Circle of Life; Thirteen Archetypes for Every Woman. I am still slowly making my way through it, and I want to tell you about something miraculous that happened while reading it recently. The book cites a quote from another amazing book called Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph. D., which I read several years back. The quote describes symptomology of women holding themselves back, and it is as follows:
"Feeling frightened, halt or weak, without inspiration, without animation, without soulfulness, without meaning, shame bearing, chronically fuming, volatile, stuck, uncreative, compressed, crazed.. Feeling powerless, chronically doubtful, shaky, blocked, unable to follow through, giving one's creative life over to others, life-sapping choices in mates, work or friendships, suffering to live outside of one's own cycles, over-protective of self, inert, uncertain, faltering, inability to pace one's self or set limits.. Not insistent of one's own tempo, to be self-conscious, to be away from one's god or gods, to be separated from one's revivification, drawn into domesticity, intellectualism or inertia because it is the safest place to be for one who has lost her instincts.. Afraid to bite back when there is nothing else left to do, afraid to try the new, fear to stand up, afraid to speak up or speak against, sick stomach, strangled, conciliatory or nice too easily.."
This quote resonated with me so deeply, as there have been a few times in my life when I have felt this way, all during unhealthy intimate relationships. During one such time, in the summer of 2017, I started carrying a journal with me to write down song lyrics, quotes, happenings, or anything else I felt was important to capture and return to. When I read the above quote in The Circle of Life, I pulled that journal out of my purse and opened it to the first page. You guys, GET THIS... The first entry, on the first page of this journal, dated August 6, 2017, was THIS EXACT QUOTE. Unbelievable right??
I was simultaneously shocked, amused and disappointed as I realized that I needed to be reminded of the dangers of holding myself back. I am still in recovery from chronically doing so, as I have, in my adult life, allowed myself to become small and "held back" in order to attempt to maintain relationships that did not allow me to be in full expression. I am reminded of another quote, this one by a codependency coach, which says "When you begin setting boundaries, some relationships will fall apart because disregarding yourself was what held them together."
These ideas all lead me to the next book I'm reading, which is called The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, by Shahida Arabi, MA. (A few notes: while I'm not a fan of the shaming and judgmental language such as "toxic people," "narcissists", and "manipulators," and also while recognizing that some of the examples in the book are quite extreme, the info has been invaluable.) I have been learning more about Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), as multiple friends and therapist types have gently suggested that I might be one. The idea of HSPs was originally introduced in the book The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine N. Aron, Ph. D. It is a bit dated but informative. On a recent trip to Esalen, I picked up The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People in the bookshop and flipped it open to a random page. It was the second time in my life that I felt that the author was writing about me, specifically and exactly; (the first was Jessica Fern describing disorganized attachment in her book PolySecure).
The concepts described in the book explain how HSPs can be particularly subject to manipulation, as they (we) are especially empathetic, understanding and compassionate. The science behind the HSP's brain explain that the mirror neurons are enhanced, creating an intensified perception of / attunement to other peoples' emotions and experiences, and the environments around us. As children, HSPs often had to develop survival skills in order to manage taking on the emotions of others. As adults, HSPs are at risk of being used, exploited in their empathy, and discarded. Manipulation tactics include gaslighting, shaming / blaming, projection (displacing one's own shortcomings / insecurities onto others, when "accusations are confessions"), using the silent treatment, humiliation, "moving the goalposts" (being endlessly dissatisfied / impossible to please), criticizing, controlling, coercion, and in extreme cases, stalking, harassment and abuse. Relationship researcher John Gottman reports that stonewalling, defensiveness, contempt, and criticism are the "four horsemen of the (relationship) apocalypse," and that HSPs are especially sensitive to the disconnection that results from these tactics. This book has helped me feel so seen and understood, and like my experience has been valid and real, not "crazy," "made up," or "overly dramatic."
I am a little embarrassed to admit that I've been in these types of relationships. Also, I want to say that anytime I have talked about these things with friends, in groups, or in my coaching practice, women just like me have stepped forward to say that they too have made themselves small, held themselves back and suffered the symptoms described by Dr. Pinkola Estes. We are smart, intuitive, educated women; we are leaders, professionals, mothers, business owners. We need to keep talking about this, we need to hold ourselves and each other up, and expect more from our relationships.
I was working with a brilliant, audacious, beautiful client during a recent psychedelic journey, and was struck as she described what she was experiencing as being enveloped by "gorgeous darkness." It helped me to reframe all that I have experienced, this year in particular, to try to appreciate it for the dynamic, colorful, rich, essential, gorgeous year it's been. And also, I gotta say, thank goddess 2024 is coming to a close and that the light is returning.
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